LOTR meets HP as you've never seen it before
by Kyle Smith
Summary: a stupid story I started on New Year's Morning, and continued today. I decided to publish it. Enjoy!
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. Them. :-)  
  
Ok, a couple reasons why I wrote this.  
  
It's STUPID!!!  
  
It's 2:20 in the morning and I'm on a massive sugar high!!  
  
I'm bored and have nothing better to do.  
  
Any other reasons needed, just say so. By the way, it's just a really stupid story, I don't care if you don't like it I amused myself writing it so I'm happy! :-D and if I make you happy too that's a bonus. Right then. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were strolling across the grounds on day in late September, when a large arrow punctured Hermione's bag, causing it to split open and dump its contents on the fresh green grass.  
  
"Oh no!" She shrieked as she frantically gathered the books again. She definitely didn't want Harry and Ron to see the pictures she had stashed in her Arithmancy book. Both boys ducked down to help her gather her things. Hermione looked up and saw, to her horror, Ron picking up her Arithmancy book, and watched, stunned, as three or four posters of Legolas came fluttering out.  
  
"What the. . ." Ron began, confused. Then he picked up one of the pictures.  
  
"Oh I know who that is!" Said Harry, pointing at one of the pictures he'd picked up off the ground. "That's-"  
  
"LEGOLAS!!!" Hermione screamed, covering her mouth and staring wide-eyed at the forest. A tall, blonde, green-clad figure came sprinting out of the forest.  
  
"Yeah. . ." Harry finished slowly.  
  
"I'm so sorry," began a deep voice from Hermione's right. She stared up at him, dazed. "I wasn't aiming. Did you get all your things? Nothing's broken?"  
  
"Yeah. . ." Hermione answered vaguely, smiling hazily. "I'm fine. You're fine. I mean you're really fine."  
  
Harry and Ron burst out laughing. Hermione still did not snap out of her little world.  
  
"Good. . .I'll just take my arrow-"  
  
"NOOOOOO!!" Hermione lunged at the arrow that was still stuck in her bag. "No!! I keep the arrow, your fingers were on it, now it's mine!" She ripped the arrow from the bag and put it in her mouth (not the sharp end!). She shook it like a dog shaking a bone. Legolas put up his hands in defense and took a couple steps back.  
  
"No problem." He said, kind of frightened. Just then, a strangled scream echoed from deep inside the forest. Legolas looked back quickly.  
  
"Gimili!!" He shouted at the forest. He turned back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who was still on the ground. "My friend needs help! Please come with me!" He started running toward the forest.  
  
Hermione snapped out of it and said quietly, "To the ends of the world!" she got up and ran after him as fast as she could. Harry and Ron followed, not knowing what they were getting themselves into.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ well yeah. No matter what I'm continuing, for my own amusement. Happy New Year! Namaarie! 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: see chapter 1  
  
Wow, I re-read that when I was sane, and still cracked myself up!! Ah well, here's the next chapter  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hermione stopped in a clearing, gasping for breath. She could barely see the blonde hair swishing from side to side through the dense forest.  
  
"Legolas!" Hermione yelled after him, and started running again. "Wait - for - me!"  
  
Ron and Harry caught up with Hermione with ease, and stared at her as she struggled to keep up.  
  
"You alright there 'Mione?" Ron asked, not even breathing hard.  
  
She glared at him and picked up her pace. "Peachy." She ran hard and finally caught up with Legolas. He had stopped, however, and she ran into him, knocking her to the ground.  
  
Legolas turned around. "You alright?" He offered a hand to her.  
  
She took his hand, smiling. "Yeah, I am now."  
  
Legolas nodded and turned around and pointed to a clearing in front of them. "I heard the scream from here. . .but I do not see Gimili. Perhaps he- "  
  
"LEGOLAS!!!!!" Hermione nearly had a heart attack as a short little man with a braided beard ran up behind her, and jumped on Legolas's back.  
  
"Ah! Gimili!" Legolas shouted in joy, spinning around, trying to get the dwarf off of his back.  
  
"Legolas, there are Orcs! Many of them! I swung at one of them with my axe and they pointed a small stick at me, and muttered some odd words, and blew a hole in my trousers!" Gimili jumped off his back and spun around, showing a smoldering hole in the seat of his pants. He pointed behind him. "But they are unlike any Orcs I have ever seen! They have. . . clothes!"  
  
Ron and Harry had arrived now and looked over their shoulders.  
  
"Those are not Orcs, Gimili!" Hermione shouted.  
  
"Professor McGonagall!" Ron shouted in dismay.  
  
"Professor McWho?" Legolas turned around now, facing the green-clad old teacher. "Oh. . ."  
  
"Ron! Harry! Hermione! I expected more out of you!" McGonagall's cold, disappointed voice rang in their ears.  
  
"Professor! It's not what you think! We were helping Legolas-" Hermione began.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"-and Gimili!" Harry finished.  
  
"WHO?!"  
  
"THEM!" Hermione shouted, pointing at the two.  
  
McGonagall looked up - and down - to look at Legolas and Gimili. Indeed she looked up to Legolas - literally - and down to Gimili. Her eyes widened with . . . interest? . ..when she saw Gimili.  
  
Ron, who was watching Gimili, saw almost the same reaction from him. He was undeniably interested in the wrinkled teacher. He reached for her hand and kissed it.  
  
"Good day, My Lady." Gimili smiled, a twinkle in his eye.  
  
"Oh!" McGonagall blushed as her hand rose to her face.  
  
Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Legolas all turned away, quite revolted.  
  
"That was---" Ron began  
  
"-just-" Harry continued.  
  
"--not right, very --" Hermione tried to carry on.  
  
"-wrong.-" Legolas finished for all of them. "Very wrong."  
  
Ron, Harry, and Hermione all let out a low, feeble "yeah. . ."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well! Indeed, not as entertaining as the first chapter, but it'll do. Hopefully the next chapter will be better. Read, and review if you'd like!! The first chapter, FYI, was written on New Year's Morning at 2 in the morning. :-) 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: **stares** Nuf said.  
  
One review! Wee, thanks for that and so you know, I am on a sugar-high again so. . .:-D  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The four had only just spoken when Legolas was knocked into a tree by a little curly-haired person.  
  
"Hey now!" Legolas shouted and jumped up. His expression softened when he saw his 'attacker.' "Frodo!"  
  
"Legolas, help me!" Frodo was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, pointing behind him. "Remember the Ring?"  
  
Legolas frowned. "Of course I remember it, wait, you still have it??"  
  
Frodo nodded fervently. "Yes, well, it wasn't THAT ring! It was a" -he gulped- "an engagement ring!"  
  
Legolas stared. "An. . .an engagement ring?!"  
  
Frodo's face was overcome with fear. "Yes, an now he wants my answer! I've only just. . .oh no, here he comes! Help me!" And with that, Frodo jumped toward Legolas. Being only around 3'6", however, he hit Legolas in the -  
  
"Frodo!" A smaller, curly-haired being came swiftly from the direction Frodo had come. "Frodo tell me! I love you!"  
  
"Bilbo!" Frodo, now seeing Legolas doubled over in pain, ran to hide behind Hermione. "Please, Bilbo I don't want to marry you! I'm not like that!"  
  
Legolas cursed. "Frodo next time just hide behind me ok?!"  
  
Frodo made a face. "Sorry Legolas!"  
  
Bilbo now stopped and fell to his knees. "I thought you loved me Frodo. . ." Tears formed in his eyes.  
  
Frodo stepped out from behind Hermione. "I do love you Bilbo, but in the manner that a son loves a father! You're my uncle!"  
  
Bilbo gulped. "That doesn't mean I can't love you. . ." He sniffed.  
  
Hermione 'awwed' and walked over to Bilbo. "Don't worry Bilbo, you'll find someone!"  
  
Bilbo jumped and looked up. "Well hello. . ." He winked.  
  
Legolas laughed.  
  
Ron quacked.  
  
Hermione gasped and stepped back. "Frodo!" she hissed. Frodo came trotting over.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Your uncle is not gay."  
  
"He's not? Good!"  
  
"He's Bi."  
  
"Bi?"  
  
"Bisexual! Goes for the lads and lasses? Works in both fields? Swings both ways? Need any more examples?"  
  
Frodo put up his hands in defense. "No! Dear Lord, this is confusing!"  
  
Hermione nodded.  
  
Legolas had recovered by now, and looked around. "Where's -"  
  
"Gimili!" Professor McGonagall's shrill voice sounded from somewhere above them, and shortly after, Gimili landed on the ground with a resounding THUMP.  
  
Legolas stared at him. "Do I even want to know?"  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Bilbo, and Frodo all answered him at the same time.  
  
"No."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
. . .REVIEW!! ttfn 


	4. AUTHOR'S NOTE

Author's note:  
  
Meep, I've had waaaay more reviews than I expected, and I have some things to say!  
  
First off, thank you!  
  
Baby T: Thank you! Yes, I do write better on a sugar high! LOL  
  
Dark*star*282: Thanks Michelle. Oh yeah, nice impression of Simon! He's such a dumb@$$. Whoops, didn't mean you're a dumb@$$!! Well sometimes but hey who's counting?  
  
Spdd: Thanks!  
  
Erin Wood: Thank you, I love yours!! It's completely hilarious!! You must write more!  
  
Ivory Tower: Once again, thank you!  
  
Bertiebottsgeorge: Ron may be jealous. . .tee hee. . .there may be some jealousy later. Thanks!  
  
Captain Emily: Yes, she has hasn't she! I don't know where I got the idea for McGonagall and Gimili. Aragorn's coming in the next chapter!  
  
Johnny: You don't wanna know. . .lol, I already told you. Thanks!  
  
And in the next chapter I promise:  
  
Aragorn  
  
Merry  
  
Pippin  
  
Booby traps  
  
Marshmallows  
  
Clam chowder  
  
Gonna write it soon!  
  
THX!! Namaarie 


	5. Part 4

. . .not much I can say about this except I figured I was hyper enough to write it.  
  
**********************  
  
~Meanwhile, up in a tree. . .~  
  
"Marshmallows!"  
  
"Clam chowder!"  
  
Merry and Pippin were having a heated argument about which went better with mustard and looked best in Aragorn's hair. Merry thought that marshmallows blended well with the yellow of the mustard and the black of Aragorn's hair, making a sort of purplish color. Pippin thought that clam chowder added to the texture and thickness of his hair, making him look kinda like a Lava lamp.  
  
"What's a Lava lamp?" Merry asked, confused.  
  
"A what? I didn't say Lava lamp!" Pippin hissed. He blinked. "I said spoon."  
  
Merry twitched. "Spoon? You have a spoon why do you have to make Aragorn's hair look like textured spoons?"  
  
Pippin blinked. "Spoons?" He held up his spoon. "Here's the spoon." He blinked and held it out. "Do you need it?"  
  
Merry grinned. "Yup!" He grabbed the spoon and threw it. He twitched. It went down. . .down. . .down. . .  
  
~Down Below~  
  
The whole company below on the ground was staring fixedly at Gimili, who was lying on the ground, unconscious. None of them heard the goings-on of above. And none of them suspected anything, until -  
  
A spoon smacked Legolas in the side of the head, knocking him off-balance. He bumped into Hermione who bumped into Bilbo who bumped into Frodo who bumped into Ron who bumped into Harry who tripped over Gimili. Legolas, surprised, stepped back and tripped over the whole pile, smacking his head on a tree, knocking him out.  
  
"Nooo!!" Hermione rushed to his side, her face full of despair. She shook her fist up at the sky. "You crazy penguins!!"  
  
"Penguins?!" The deep voice of Aragorn sounded from somewhere above them. Everyone, excluding Gimili and Legolas, looked up.  
  
Music sounded from somewhere toward the school. Aragorn jumped down, beaming.  
  
"I love this song!" He started dancing disco-style to Nelly's 'Hot in Herre.'  
  
Bilbo barked and ran over to him, dancing near his knee. "It's gettin' hot in herre, somebody get the hose."  
  
Aragorn started twirling now, still disco-ing, his eyes shut.  
  
~Up above~  
  
"Oh pleeeeeeeeease Merry!" Pippin was begging him.  
  
"No Pip!" Merry refused.  
  
"Just a little bit?"  
  
"No! We can't put mustard in his ears Pip!" Merry twitched. "We can't reach!"  
  
"What if. . .he came to us?" Pippin blinked.  
  
"How?"  
  
Blink. "Booby traps." Blink.  
  
Twitch. "Forgot about those. . ."  
  
Blink.  
  
~Down Below~  
  
Aragorn, having his eyes shut, 'boogied' his way right over between two rather large trees. Bilbo followed him and began doing a sort of pole dance with one of the trees, to the disgust of many. Aragorn opened his eyes and stepped back. . .  
  
"DUDE!" Legolas had woken up and was now staring at Aragorn.  
  
He was hanging upside down between the two trees, wiggling, and covered in clam chowder.  
  
"NOW PIP!!" Merry's voice floated down to them from one of the trees.  
  
"Argh!" Aragorn was swinging from side to side, mustard dripping from his ears.  
  
Merry twitched.  
  
"Aragorn, you're hanging upside down." Legolas was sitting against the tree, laughing.  
  
Aragorn had been cursing to himself. "I'm a Ranger and I didn't see that?!" He now looked to Legolas. "Stop spinning. . .and thank you for stating the obvious!"  
  
Legolas smiled and nodded. "You're welcome."  
  
Merry twitched, looking at Aragorn. "Hey Pip,"  
  
Pippin blinked at him.  
  
"He DOES look like a Lava lamp!"  
  
"Spoon!"  
  
"You're right, I don't know what a Lava lamp is!" Twitch.  
  
Blink.  
  
Curse.  
  
Harmony.  
  
*************  
  
Muahaha. . .Well that was fun to write. Was it fun to read? You know what I like to read? REVIEWS!! Fair winds 


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